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Kill the Coffee Shop Sheep!



Shedding the Unfortunate Implications of 'Coffee Lover'


Ok, folks, I have a dillema. I have a terrible mind-numbing addiction to caffeine. Which, in itself, is not my problem. I quit drinking, smoking (cigarettes and pot), taking acid, snorting crank and cocaine, and all the other stupid shit I used to do for the sake of a good time. In a life completely reliant on chemical reliance, I think I've done pretty well. So my addiction to caffeine is nothing to gasp at. Sure, I get the shakes sometime if I don't have my morning (early afternoon?) fix of go-juice. So what? At least I don't puke, convulse, and beat my friends up for it. And, hell, it's a lot cheaper than cocaine, so I don't steep my conscience in guilt for it. No, this is nowhere near my problem. I'm even half proud of that part of it all.

My problem is this... I try not to drink soda too much, as it rots my already deteriorating teeth, affectionately referred to as "punk rock teeth", and screw corporate-ass Coca-Cola and Pepsi anyway. If they wanna work kids in foreign countries for 2 cents a day plus moldy bread, fine. But I'm sure as hell not footing the bill for it. So along time ago, I resorted to the obvious caffinated alternative, coffee. There is nothing quite like a fresh cup of GOOD coffee (we'll get to the word 'good' in a minute) when you just wake up in, between throwing your shirt on and switching on your record player to play whatever lp you left there the night (week) before. Or staying up till it's light outside..again.. on the computer wasting another 8 hours of your life, with a hot pot of coffee next to you. Still not quite the problem. The REAL problem is that, for whatever reason, I have become very picky about what I kind of coffee I drink. Screw Folgers, screw Astor, screw any of those "Grind whatever is dark brown into a tin and tell these shmucks its coffee" companies. I actually shell out a little extra moolah for the good stuff, amazing, for I am a notorious, well-recognized cheap-ass. Hell I don't have a decent outfit to wear in any public place above the level of dank alleyway, yet I still find the money to blow on real Colombian coffee. Colombia... now there's a country! Famous for cocaine and coffee! Hmm.. another rant perhaps. Anyway, this psuedo-snobbery has lead me to the inevitable... COFFEE HOUSE! (scary stock music track plays in the background). I have purchased many a superior cup o' joe from these fine institutions and even worked at one (or three). These places would be the most amazing place since Chuck E Cheese if it weren't for one thing; the people..

Everytime I show up (or when I was employed for them, clocked in) at one of these institutions of coffee indulgence, I would see the same type of people sitting around, noses in the air, masturbating each other's ego's, complimenting each other on their views on art, and their sassy, tragically hip clothes. Oh to be a fly on the wall for some of their conversations. I would poop in their lattes.

Sheep #1: I think Neitchze said it best when he said (whatever quote they read the night before preparing for just such a conversation)

Sheep #2: Neitchze was highly overrated! (Everyone is highly overrated to these people)

Sheep #3: (to someone else): But the meaning of art is....

Sheep #4: You have such a good insight in to the human condition.. (Coffee Shop Sheepese for 'Hey, whats your sign?')

I ask you people (for whatever you're worth): Could you enjoy a cup of fine coffee; hell, anything good, while listening to these stomach turning fashion problem-children excrete meaningless nothings to each other? Not exactly something prone to making me keep anything in my stomach, in the first place, much less imbibing anything new. So maybe java houses should start posting signs like "No Berets Worn On Premise" or "No Brain, No Life, No Service", or maybe something a little more blunt, like say.. "If you wear scarves when it's warm, berets, turtlenecks, and/or sunglasses when it's dark, please go away." Defend the perimeter with armed guards that thoroughly search people for cigarette holders and philosophy books. It's time we stopped this madness! Jeez, all I wanted was a cup of coffee.




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