Today We Go To War!
Ok, I'm fed up! No more will I tolerate this affront to all
of my senses of decency (not very sensitive to begin with)and whats right.
We must destroy the weak link in the human race. What is this link you
ask? Ah, but you must know already.. tis France, dear child. Now, before
you get me wrong, let me clarify. I do not hate French people, at least
not individually. I'm sure that there are French people who have the
clarity of mind to realize that they are in the single worst place on
Earth. Thhere must be those poor French souls who are good people and
realize they are surrounded by the worst humanity has to offer. I have
yet to meet them, but I must have faith that they are out there. With that
out of the way...
Why Go to War with France?
France has been nothing but leeches on the cultural dignity of the world.
This is a country who specialize in selling exorbitant amounts of a drink
that is made from grapes and peoples feet. As a matter of fact, it costs
more if REAL PEOPLE STEPPED ON IT! Personally, if I had to get wine, I
would have to stick with Mad Dog 20/20 (blue flavored, of course), and
avoid "Le Modukets" for 200 bucks a pop. As for the feet part, I have heard
nothing more disgusting since saurkraut (Germans.. ah, but we did that
already, didn't we.) This is a people that are world reknowned for serving
hot snails, and being uppity about it! The same thing you shreik at when
it crawls across your hand when you're at the park, you pay LOTS OF MONEY
to eat. Is it better that it's hot? Does the heat change the fact that it's
still a spineless, slippy-slidy garden-dweller with a weakness for salt.
This is one of the many examples that the French practice their brainwashing
techniques. They take involountary subjects (called "tourists"), and tell
make them believe things that no rational person would beleive. The fact
that people, to this day, believe that it's ok to eat hot snails is just
a testament to their immense skill at altering the states of minds of
innocent people (well, as innocent a people who VOLOUNTARILY go to France
get). Other successes in this dark and insidious social experiment are:
- The fact tht people go to see their national monument to sing it's praises
even though it's NOT EVEN FINISHED!
- The French invented perfume to cover up the fact that they never bathed,
and people think that is the TRUE sign of sophistication.
- The fact that France is mostly populated with fat, hairy, loud men with
severe alchoholism and it's still considered the most romantic place on Earth.
- On another "romance" note, French is called the "romance" language, although
to any rational individual, it sounds like a Klingon from Star Trek with a
lisp. To me, that does not equal sexy.
- And finally.... Jerry Lewis!?!?!?
All of these things point to one thing, a horrible plot to enslave the
world.. obvious isn't it? Now, what do we do...
Plan of Attack
Personally, I am quite fond of the "blow-them-up-until-all-that-is-left-is-a-big-pile-of-frog"
school of French warfare. Anything else would be falling short of the intended
goal. We must not stop until every last vestige of "Frenchitude" is erased
from the collective memory of the citizens of this planet. We must make sure
that snails are never again found on an eating utensil without some shouts
and a salt shaker handy. We can never allow accoridans to be considered
beautiful music. We shall never let our fellow citizens utter the phrase,
"Wow, you know, Jerry Lewis is actually pretty funny!" If we shirk our
cultural duty, even a litlle, all will be lost. We will all walk around
thinking it's ok to charge lots of money for pointless things (as opposed
to what, right?) We cannot allow ourselves to name our children Francois
or Marie'. We must refuse to tolerate fat hairy gluttons telling us how
to be romantic! Never again! Rise up! Take Action!!
But, well, French salad dressing is ok.. keep that....